“New notepad” syndrome is kicking in already… I am scared of tainting the blog with a rubbish and not well thought out post.
Right now I just feel like typing, I don’t have a topic in mind, I guess I just want to ramble. I am reflecting a lot tonight on what it is to be a person. We all have our own hobbies and interests, things that give our lives meaning, things that we wake up each day to enjoy. It saddens me that so many people in life aren’t in their dream profession and dedicated such a huge portion of their lives to something they don’t want to do just to pay the bills and enjoy that small portion of time full time working lets you spend. People say all these things like “dress for the job you want, not the job you have” or “do a job you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life.” All just charming sentiments but also completely not viable to pretty much the entire population barring the few that do actually get to do what they enjoy.
You see.. we need call centre staff, we need food restaurant servers, we need supermarket cashiers and so on. These roles and how enjoyable they all are probably vary significantly in terms of how good the management are, how good the perks are and so on, but generally, I don’t know many people who believe they were born to oversee the self checkout till. Now that isn’t at all me slating those jobs, in fact I have done 2 of those 3 jobs for 11 years of my life. The hours can be horrendous, the tasks involved can be monotonous and nauseating, the customers may at times give you grief… but at the end of the day you get paid and you have money in the bank, a roof over your head and a full belly. What more can you ask for?
Well, to be honest I expect a lot more. My life has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride – in particular the last few years. When I started my “call centre” job in 2010 I knew this wasn’t my ideal job by a longshot. As a child I have dreamed of becoming an artist or an archeologist. Turns out, I’m a bit of a crap drawer and there aren’t many (if any) ancient fossils in my back garden. But I made the job work for me… the roles were often almost intolerable… I struggled staying in my seat and wanted to just do something that held more meaning or interest to me… but I plodded on like everyone else there. It was a great company to work for, and the people I worked with were truly amazing people. So I had just got used to this job… I was trying to get more interesting roles or a higher paid role… I wanted one or the other. But then when Amy was born with a severe brain injury all of this changed.
Being a carer is a privilege.. but a very (and I mean very) low paid job, it doesn’t offer a great pension, it doesn’t offer you a share incentive plan, the hours are 24/7.. 365 days a year (day and night), you don’t get a designated lunch hour or journey to work with your ipod music on. We do what we have to do. We deal with the cards we are dealt. I am honoured to get to do what I do but it is hard, and often lonely. Emotionally it can be very draining… the appointments, the admin, the fact I am heavily invested with and pretty much in love with my care-ee. It is safe to say that I have lost myself a bit. I still love pokemon, and rock music, and all these things… But I have so little time for them now, and when I do I prefer to sleep or do something easy like browse facebook, or sleep.
I think about that question people often ask: “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and I think to myself.. wow.. imagine the cez of 5 years ago… how would she respond if she knew life was going to be how it is now? I also wonder where cez of present day will be in 5 years. There are things I really want from life still, I really want another child. I had two miscarriages last year, and amy’s birth was far from straight forward… so now pregnancy and birth absolutely terrifies me. I do hold some bitterness inside that some people seem able to pop numerous children out no problem and I’m here an absolute quivering wreck at the prospect of it all, totally shell shocked. I also want a job… one where I really help people. I never knew that I would have made a good nurse… I didn’t know I wasn’t squeamish… I can pass ng tubes and all sorts of things now. Because I had to.
I wish school had made science more interesting for me. I got two Ds for science in high school. They did not at all inspire me to learn and these days I am absolutely fascinated by all things science. Science is amazing.
I mentioned in a previous post about how I cringe when people ask “what I do”. It is a shame that so many people will define you as a person by what you do. I used to work in a supermarket… it is a damned hard job and not to be scoffed at… I have so much respect for shop workers. And yet it isn’t a well respected role. I was never proud to say I did that job even though it was a good company and so on. Wouldn’t it be cool if we defined people by their morals or what a nice person they were. People who are kind and thoughtful hold so much more value… though I guess having a kind heart doesn’t make you an excellent brain surgeon. It’s a tricky one. Instead of what do you do, or how are you… ask something that gives you more insight into a person. What do you like to do with your free time? What’s your favourite dinosaur? If you could be any pokemon which would you be? What’s your favourite flower?
Whilst I am not greedy or desperate to be rich… I always wanted to never struggle for money. I always thought if you worked hard then things would be easy. But truth be told I am currently working at absolute max capacity right now and barely have a penny to my name. If it wasn’t for Phil working full time who knows where we would be. Because a hard working carer doesn’t get a pay rise, or recognition for a job well done. It is a rewarding job when I see a smile on my daughter’s face.. but on the hard days? It really is a battle. I miss Phil. He works such long hours and when he is here I’m so tired I sometimes can’t even speak. I think maybe what we need is a nice holiday… I’m fine with it being in this country.. but just away from the stresses and strains of daily life.. away from the home, away from distraction and obligation. I want time to properly reconnect, and laugh again.
I hope none of you read this post as me having any regret regarding career history and the future etc… I am merely expressing how I feel. With so many things I never really feel one way… my opinions can change from day to day and I guess I am just trying to make sense of the events that have happened in my life. I am so lucky to have had the jobs I have had and I have learned so much from all of them. I have definitely learned that sitting in the background working hard doesn’t get you recognition and that you need the confidence to assert how good you are and fight for what you deserve. Not a truth I wanted to learn given my preference of being humble and all. I get more resilient everyday. I hope you do too.
I am going to go now as I really am just typing my thoughts as I think them and it probably doesn’t make for much of an interesting read. Especially when it’s mainly me wondering about the future and complaining a lot. One thing you will learn about me… I complain a lot, but I do this when elated or depressed, it’s kind of one of my things. In fact it is a hobby I have indulged in more than ever recently! Maybe I have not lost myself after all.